Things I Will Not Do While Watching The Covenant
by Kos-Mos607
Summary: Once again, something spawned from my imagination when I was drunk. Tiny bit of slash but mostly it's just humor...and drunken madness.
1. Chapter 1

Yeah, anyone who knows me well enough knows that I write a lot of funny stuff when I'm drunk. This is no exception. Tiny little bits of slash in here (Sorry, I'm a die hard slasher) but it's mostly just humor. Hope y'all enjoy. I might add more to it I might not. I dunno...

**Things I will not do while watching The Covenant...**

**1)** I will not repeatedly drag my best friend to the theater five hundred times to see the movie. (Sorry Christina.)

**2)** I will not jump up and down and scream "Woohoo" when the opening credits start.

**3)** I will not bitch and yell when people tell me to sit down and be quiet.

**4)** I will not make my own assumptions about what the four of them are REALLY doing off camera.

**5)** I will not say my assumptions out loud.

**6)** I will not point out evidence that supports my theories, ex: Tyler wearing Reid's jacket near the end of the movie.

**7)** I will not cough and grunt "Boy touching" when I see any of them grab and hang on each other

**8)** I will stop pointing out the fact that both Chase and Pogue keep competing for Caleb's attention.

**9)** I will stop laughing my ass off when I see Pogue pout because Caleb's talking to Chase

**10)** I will not make fun of the incredibly small size of Pogue's Speedo.

**11)** I will stop calling Pogue the new champion in the How-low-can-you-go-pants category.

**12)** I will stop pointing at Chase an insisting that I thought him everything he knows.

**13)** I will not roll my eyes and yell "Oh my god, just fucking kiss already" when Caleb and Reid start their little tiffs.

**14)** I will stop referring to Kate and Sarah as "Random Bitch Number 1 and Number 2"

**15) **I will stop voicing my theories that Kate and Sarah have something going on.

**16)** I will stop pointing out the fact that there's a bulge in Tyler's Speedo in the scene where the four of them are sitting by the pool.

**17)** I will stop pointing out the fact that it only appears after he looks at Reid.

**18)** I will stop calling Gorman Obi-one, Home Slice, Papa G, Mac Daddy, and Spook.

**19)** I will not claim that my Mustang is better then Caleb's...even though it is!

**20)** I will not slap my ass and ask Caleb if he wants a ride on a REAL mustang.

**21)** I will not grumble about Mustang's not having a decent backseat to have fun in five minutes later.

**22)** I will not laugh when Pogue glares at me for flirting with Caleb.

**23)** I will not tell Chase that Caleb cares more about Pogue then Sarah and to readjust his strategy.

**24)** I will stop pointing out to Chase that Caleb's power is overrated and that Tyler's are much better choice.

**25)** I will not laugh when Chase throws the giant jell-o blobs everywhere.

**26)** I will stop pointing out to Caleb that Pogue has more fangirls then him.

**27)** I will not inform Pogue that Reid has more fangirls then he does.

**28)** I will not break all of their hearts by saying that Tyler has more fangirls then all of them put together.

**29)** I will not dig the knife in deeper by claiming that Gorman has them all beat in the fangirl department because he's a pimp.

**30)** I will not point out the fact that if Gorman's a pimp, then the four of them are his hoe's.

**31)** I will not ask him which corner he has Tyler working on.

**32)** I will not insist that Gorman has a better pimp cane then Lucious Malfoy.

**33)** I will not tell him to bitch slap Chase with it.

**34)**...or Sarah.

**35)** I will not buy the movie and re-play it 5 billion times in one day. (Sorry mom.)

**36)** I will not get drunk and write more stuuuupid junk like this.

(Gets hammered ten minutes later and breaks all vows.)


	2. Chapter 2

Whew, I had enough left in me to do a 2nd part of this. Sorry if it's not as funny as the first bit but I've stopped drinking for a while because I got totally hammered over Spring Break and woke up the next morning with a few tattoos. Ah, the joys of college never end...

**Things I Will Not Do While Watching The Covenant- part deux**

**1)** I will not drag my friend to the movie theater five-hundred-and-one times to see it. (Once again, my bad Christina.)

**2)** I will seriously stop making assumptions about what the boys are doing off camera...and I will eventually learn to keep those assumptions SILENT!

**3)** I will stop pointing out the parts where Tyler is wearing Reid's clothing. Yes, I found another part, _the hospital bit_

**4)** I will not point out the fact that Reid has a thong tan line on his ass.

**5)** I will stop laughing my ass off at the parts where Pogue and Chase fight for Caleb's attention in Nickys.

**6)** I will not hum "Rein Raus" when Reid and Caleb are fighting. (You Rammstein fans will hopefully get that one.)

**7)** I will not encourage the group around me to do the same, even though they have absolutely no freakin' idea what the bloody song means. LOL

**8)** I will not snort at the part where Tyler help's Reid up from the glass pile and practically fondles him!

**9)** I will stop wondering when Tyler got so naughty.

**10)** I will not spring out of my seat and yell "Ah-ha, I knew it!" when Reid snaps Tyler's ass with his towel.

**11)** I will not laugh and point out the fact that Tyler totally checks out Reid's package afterwards.

**12)** I will stop trying to slide dollar bills into Tyler's and Pogue's pants when they walk by on screen in their hip-huggers.

**13)** I will stop telling Gorman that he seriously needs to get his hoes under control because Chase is losing him money by being an ass all the time.

**14)** I will not scream out "Hoe fight" when Chase and Caleb battle at the barn.

**15)** I will stop making up names for Gorman like, Papa Smurf, A Pimp Named Slickback and Homey G.

**16)** I will stop pestering Gorman into telling me which corner he has the boys working on.

**17)** I will stop asking Gorman if his boys accept ATM cards because Pogue and Tyler have all of my dollar bills.

**18)** I will not point out that Chase and Caleb DO kiss at one point.

**19)** I will not continue to bring this up a bazzillion times.

**20)** ...or describe it in full detail.

**21)** I will stop insisting that Aaron Abbot has a crush on Caleb.

**22)**...Or Pogue, or Tyler or Reid, OR Chase.

**23)** I will not point out scenes where Aaron practically fondles Caleb.

**24)** Or when he fondles Chase in the locker-room.

**25)** I will not laugh my ass off from the fact that Chase grins the entire time he's doing it.

**26)** I will not ask Gorman why he doesn't have any cool witch powers

**27)** I will not laugh when he tries to use his "Imaginary witch powers" on me.

**28)** I will not swear and grumble when he then gives up and wacks me with his pimp cane.

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If you have any suggestions for part three (If I decide to make one that is) feel free to send them to me. I'd be happy you use 'em.


	3. Chapter 3

Whew, two updates in one day. I'm a busy girl

**Things I Will Not Do While Watching the Covenant- part 3**

**1)** I will stop referring to Caleb as the very hot and totally legal Harry Potter

**2)** I will not hold my sign up that says "Save a motorcycle ride a rider" when I see Pogue on his Ducati (Because that sign is reserved for Eric Bostrom and Anthony Gobert)

**3)** I will stop insulting Pogue's Ducati because it can't hold a candle to the new Suzuki's

**4)** I will not insist that Chase has bigger boobs then I do!

**5)** I will not re-play the part where Chase kisses Caleb

**6)** And I will stop saying "Let's see that again...let's see that again...let's see that again" as I do it for fear of being backhanded by my friend Christina again

**7)** I will not pester/take cheap shots at the Mary Sues (Yeah, I'll break this one in five seconds...)

**8)** I will not give the boys nicknames like Luke, Blondey Frodo or Sam

**9)** I will not scream, faint or fangirl squeal when Pogue struts around in his TINY speedo

**10)** I will not point out the fact that Caleb eyes him the whole time.

**11)** I will seriously stop pointing at Chase and insisting that I taught him everything he knows

**12)** I will not hold a light-bulb over Caleb's head and turn it on when he has an idea

**13)** I will not sing Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" when Caleb and Pogue are near each other, even though that song pretty much describes them in FULL detail

**14)** I will not drag Gorman around with me everywhere and making him attack the Mary Sues

**15)** I will stop insisting that Chase is a horn dog just because his great - great - great - great - grandfather was one

**16)** I will stop pointing out parts where Pogue touches/grabs/fondles Caleb

**17)** The same goes for Reid and Tyler

**18)** I will not lock Kate and Sarah in a closet somewhere and loose the key

**19)** I will stop calling the boys hoes

**20)** I will stop trying to buy Tyler and Pogue's 'company'

**21)** I will not bribe them to 'Get it on' while I have them for the hour

**22)** I will not film it, write about it or describe it in full detail

**23)** Nor will I sell it under the title "Ipswich Boys Gone Wild"

**24)** I will stop drinking and writing so much damn Covenant humor

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Feel free to check out my other lists if you haven't already.


	4. Chapter 4

Seams I've lost a bit of my spunk with this one…

**Things I Will Not Do While Watching the Covenant- part 4**

**1)** I will not doodle in the Book of Damnation

**2)** I will not hold up my sign that says "Death to the Mary Sue, Viva La Slash!"

**3)** I will not try to reenact the movie Black Snake Moan with Reid (Even though Reid wearing a chain in just his underwear it is a tempting thought. Thanks Christina)

**4)** I will not loose the damn key to the unknown closet I locked Sarah and Kate in…even though I already have mentally.

**5)** I will stop making Chase cast spider spells on Sarah constantly

**6)** I will not fondle Pogue when I'm riding on the back of his bike

**7)** I will not laugh when Caleb glares at me for feeling up his fuck buddy

**8)** I will not call Pogue "Caleb's fuck buddy" even though he would be if I ran the world

**9)** I will stop trying to slid dollar bills into Pogue and Tyler's jeans because I'm running out of bills

**10)** I will not groan at the thought of a Covenant sequel

**11)** I will not call in Pope Sweet Jesus" and "Lord Have Mercy" as reinforcement pimps to help Gorman keep the boys in line.

**12)** Nor will I sick them on the Mary Sues and their little 'kissing booths'

**13)** I will stop trying to stick the boys on the chess team because god knows they can't swim properly

**14)** I will not write slash in The Book of Damnation

**15)** Nor will I point at Reid and insist he did it

**16)** I will stop trying to hook the boys up with MALE oc's

**17)** I will not buy a Harry Potter wand and pretend to cast spells with it on the boys

**18)** Or Gorman…

**19)** Or Chase, Sarah, Kate, Aaron or any of the other extras I pick on

**20)** I will not slap the Provost for letting so many Mary Sues attend Spencer

**21)** I will not give Caleb the wrong directions to Putnum barn when he's suppose to rescue Sarah

**22)** I will stop trying to drag people into this fandom

**23)** I will stop saying Sarah' personality is less then two marbles rattling around in a tin can

**24)** I will not cross this fandom with Lair

**25)** I will not make Rohn's dragon eat Sarah

**26)** I will not sick said dragon on the Mary Sues either, even though they're crunchy and good with ketchup

**27)** I will stop insisting that Robert Rodriguez should've directed the movie because that man is a genius…and he has a nice rear end too, LOL

**28)** I will not get drunk and then watch the movie a moment later for fear that I'll keep writing stuff like this.


	5. Chapter 5

**Things I Will Not Do While Watching The Covenant, part 5**

* * *

**1)** I will not scream and yell "Why? WHHHHY?" at the thought of a sequel

**2)** I will not reenact the movie "Death Proof" with the Mary Sues

**3)** Or the movie Hostel

**4)** I will stop trying to make the boys gothic

**5) **I will stop insisting that Reid and Tyler should be a new canon pairing

**6)** Nor will I make a petition for it

**7)** I will stop trying to burn the Mary Sues

**8)** I will not sell them to the witch hunters in the Monty Python realm either

**9)** I will not tell the boys they need to work for Corbin Fisher

**10)** I will not take the sons Snipe Hunting

**11)** I will not sell all of the Mary Sue's souls to Lilith in exchange for Dean's…… but I'm sure as hell trying

**12)** I will not kick Aaron or Kira into a hole while screaming "THIS IS IP-SWICH!" 300 style

**13)** Or any of the Sues

**14)** I will not steal Sweeney Todd's razors and hunt the werewolf OC's with them

**15)** I will not call Reid a whore just because he gets around the fandom more then anyone else does

**16)** I will not amp Tyler out on candy and turn him loose on Gorman

**17)** I will not sell the boys to Playgirl, nor will I roll naked in all the money that issue will bring in

**18)** I will not hire Altaïr to rid the fandom of all the assassin's the boys seamed to have attracted for no apparent reason at all

**19)** I will not attempt to ship him with the boys either (thinks evil thoughts)

**20)** I will not scream and yell "Why? WHHHHY?" at the thought of a sequel


End file.
